Ten years ago I thought it might be interesting to be a radio writer. Armed with a stopwatch and a tape recorder I devised six half hour comedy radio programmes, wrote them down, with some difficulty, as at the time I had a borrowed processor, an old TV and no printer and submitted the result to BBC radio. For much of a year the scripts sat in a corridor somewhere before winging their way back home. I called them Knickerbocker Glory after the ice cream confection because they were a sweet little dollop of this and that with a cherry on the top. The cherry was always a playlet about the great detective, Millennium Domes and his side kick, Watsup but on the way several regular features gave shape and rhythm to the full confection.
For at least the next 12 Mondays I thought you’d like a dollop of my pudding to start the week. I hope the Pantomime last week has introduced you to the joys of reading dialogue – you get to play all the characters; I’m sure you’ll be brilliant. If you want to practise and award yourself an Oscar at the end, it will be well deserved, no doubt. Over the next 12 weeks or so, you can work on the acceptance speech and I’ll dish up the very best bits of Knickerbocker Glory.
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Knickerbocker Glory.
The Speaking Watch
(In which we first meet Uncle Reg’s niece.)
Uncle Reg’s niece Hello caller, you’re through to the speaking watch
a division of the Uncle Reg phone service. Well, it
will be when the rest of the service is done but it
isn’t yet. So it isn’t a division at all really. ’Cause
there’s nothing to divide. But it will be when there
is. Hang on, I’ll just switch on the thing that does
the pips. There. At the third stroke it will be big
hand nearly at the top, little hand almost at the one
with two lines.
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece Oh dear, it’s moved again. At the third stroke it will
probably be right at the top and ready to go down
the other side.
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece There you are, it has. I knew it would do that, I’ve
been sitting here for hours and it does it every time.
Like clockwork, ha ha. There it goes.
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece I wish it would stop. It gets me so flustered.
There’s hardly time to see it and get it right before
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece How can I possibly keep up? Uncle Reg didn’t warn
me about this, all he said was: It’s very easy my
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece girl. You have to have a pleasant speaking voice and
it’s light repetitive work. He never mentioned
anything about being able to tell the time. The big
hand’s well on the way to the next number now, by
the way.
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece I thought it would be digital. I thought it would be
just like the station clock. That’s easy the numbers
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece flip over and you read them off. I thought it would
say one nothing dot dot three five and stuff like that
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece and you could read it out and say: precisely. As it is
I’ve got such a headache squinting at this little watch
and Uncle
Pip, pip, pip.
Uncle Reg’s niece Reg has gone off to have a cup of tea. I can tell you
this is giving me the
Pip, pip, pip.
Click, brrrrrrrrr.
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(Well done, I thought you read that beautifully. How are you on regional accents? It doesn’t have to be a Devon accent, anywhere will do. The main idea, as in all radio programmes involving on-location enthusiasts, is that the enthusiasm will zing over the airwaves full blast, compensating for the lack of visual clues, difficulties with the sound recording and, of course, unscheduled interruptions. Of course it doesn’t, hence the saying: take six. You’ll need three accents for this: one rural, one normal and one as irritating as you can get. Ready for your audition? Here we go with episode one of…….)
Archaeology Now.
(Quick burst of early English theme music: tambours and shawms.)
Tiles.
Very Devon ’Ello and welcome to Archaeology Now with me, Very
Devon and my assistant, Derek Here. Today we are
down in a field in the West Country where a farmer
has unearthed what might be the remains of a Mediaeval
barn or a Roman shopping centre or a Victorian oast
house; we’re a bit unwilling to commit ourselves at this
stage. Derek Here ’as been diggin’ all morning. What
you got, Derek?
Derek Here Mainly backache, Dev and this interesting bit of tile.
Very Devon Oh that is interestin’. It’s about …….’ow long would
you say that was?
Derek Here I’d say it’s two inches long by an inch wide.
Very Devon Well we’ll say between one centimetre and six foot long
to be on the safe side and quite wide.
Derek Here I’ve measured it.
Very Devon ’Ave you? Still no need to go jumpin’ in with rash
attributions at this stage. What colour would you say
that is, Derek?
Derek Here Well, Dev, I would describe that as red.
Very Devon Would you? I would say it was red tendin’ to reddish
brown with overtones of mud. But only if you pushed
me. ’Ave we got a date on it?
Coracle Man I think I can help. I can date that to exactly half past
five on a Tuesday afternoon, 1636.
Very Devon ’Oo are you, then? And why are you wearin’ a boat?
Coracle Man It’s a coracle. I’m a coracled chronicler.
Very Devon No you’re not. You’re just a bloke dressed up. Push
off!
Coracle Man But I want to be on Archaeology Now and dig up
exciting stuff.
Very Devon Go away.
Coracle Man I can hum the theme tune.
Very Devon Push off! Tell him, Derek.
Derek Here Go away, like he says.
Coracle Man I want to be an archaeologist. I’ve got my own coracle
and everything. I can help with reconstructions. Look, it
nearly floats.
Very Devon Poppin’ a coracle in a puddle dunt impress me. I’ve
’andled more bits of the Mary Rose than you’ve ’ad ’ot
dinners. Now push off. I’m tryin’ to record a
programme.
Coracle Man But I could leap from trench to trench.
Derek Here Leaping around trenches breaks the edges.
Coracle Man I could amble.
Very Devon Look ’ere, take your boat,
Coracle Man Coracle.
Very Devon ..little vinyl coracle and punt off.
Derek Here Dev, it’s beginning to rain.
Coracle Man I can help if it rains. You could shelter under my coracle
while you excavate.
Very Devon If you was a proper archaeologist you would know that
when it rains we go off down the pub. Right, listeners,
Derek Here will pop a tarpaulin on it and we’ll be back
later this afternoon.
Derek Here If it fairs up.
Very Devon If it fairs up. Come on, Derek.
Their voices fade slowly into the distance.
Coracle Man Can I come back after the break? I can bring my lute.
Very and Derek (together) No!
Coracle Man It looks quite real. I made it out of matchsticks.
Very Devon Go away.
Coracle Man I can hum the theme tune.
(Theme tune)
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Well that was your first helping of Knickerbocker Glory, I hope it’ll keep you going right through Monday. Uncle Reg’s niece and the archaeologists will be back for a second dollop next week. How did you do with the acting? I would suggest practising in front of a mirror but as it was written for radio it’s probably more authentic to do it with your eyes shut. Not on the train, though, you’ll miss your stop and all the other passengers will think you’ve gone mad and get off early. You’ll have the carriage all to yourself, mad reader. On second thoughts maybe you should practise out loud, very loud, with your eyes shut. It won’t deter the ticket inspector though, they live on public transport and are quite used to lunacy.