As we’re on our own, unusually, I thought we could, you know……..if you want to.
Oh right ho.
And, and this is good, you’ll like this, when I went out to get my bread, I got a new switch for the broken shower, look.
Oh right.
So I’m just going to pop up and fit this, shouldn’t take more than five minutes.
Good.
Five minutes later……..
Can you come up and help?
Oh. I don’t think we can both get up on the small step stool….
Don’t be so stupid, just listen, listen. Can you fetch the long nosed pliers, please.
OK…………footsteps downstairs, footsteps up………………………………………………………….here you are.
No, not those.
These?
Yes, very clever, I cannot get this bunch of wires in the hole and when I do the other one pops out.
Can I help?
No, you need upper body strength for this. You have no strength. Oh for crying out loud!
Has it popped…
No, all four! All flaming four. What feeble-minded idiot designed this thing, you cannot, cannot get the pliers round the wire and when you do they knock the screw out……………………………..where’s that gone?
Um……………..
I’ll look, I’ll look. You go and get a saucepan to hold underneath for when it drops again.
Footsteps downstairs, footsteps back up.
Damn thing! Damn thing! Oh it’s you. Put that saucepan down, take this shirt, look the sweat’s just running off me. I cannot get the stupid screw to balance on the end of this idiot screwdriver. Can you fetch some sticky wax?
Footsteps down, footsteps back up.
Here.
Have you brought the torch?
You have to tell me what you’re thinking of, I can’t just guess.
You usually do.
shouting up………….
Do you want to stop and have a cup of tea?
Having cups of tea is not what I wanted to do. Have you brought the, oh, the other steps. No, what I need is, ah tweezers! No it’s the damn damn wires. Right. I’m going to ring what’s-his-name, he trained as an electrician. Right right. Oh hello! Yes, fine thanks. Well no I’m not really. I’m trying to fit this isolation switch for the shower. Yes, aren’t they? Right, right, oh right. Oh, do you? Right, right. Brilliant. Cheers, fantastic. Great. And you. Right. Cheers mate, brilliant.
Any good?
No. He says they’re evil blighters and to try pulling it down from the ceiling. Like this. Oh.
I’ll get the vacuum.
And the dust sheet?
OK. Electrical tape?
Might as well. Oh scissors, both sizes. Dustpan and a bigger pan to catch the screw this time. The frying pan might be a good idea. And some sort of hat because I can’t wash this dust out of my hair until I’ve mended the shower. If I mend the shower.
Of course you will.
Yeah, right. Oh blast, blast, damn and blast. Can you fetch my other glasses? Can you mend these?
Which?
Not now! Just fetch the, oh, it’s gone in! Right, nobody breathe. Aha! Oh stupid, stupid stupid. Whoever designed this damn thing ought to be taken out and oh. Did you see where that screw went?
It sounded as if it pinged in the bath, look there it is rolling……..
Oh.
Ah.
In the garage, in the third down tool box, or in the red plastic drawers, I’ve got some of them.
I’ll bring both and the grey plastic drawers as well.
Bring the bucket with the screws too, you never know.
OK. I’ll just take the bathmat out on to the landing on my way, and the towels, it’s getting a bit crowded in here.
Right. Can you also bring the hammer, the ready-mixed filler, the spreader thingy, and the dishcloth. Nearly, nearly, just one more inch of wire pulled out should do it………… Oh damn! Oh damn and blast! Right. Make that the bag of plaster a bucket, the float, the drill, the mixer…………..have we got any paint?
I’ll paint it tomorrow. I think we’ve got the rest of that ceiling paper in the garage too.
Yeah, oh hang on, hang on, nobody breathe, pass me the screwdriver I think I’ve……………damn, damn, damn, damn damndamndamndamn, right! That’s it. Phone phone, ah, right. Hello? Yes it is me again. No I didn’t. Is there any chance you could come round? Really, really? Brilliant, fantastic, I owe you one. Great. See you in five, cheers. Mate. Great, he’s coming and bringing his proper tools. Thank goodness for that, heave a sigh of relief. Can you you get all this junk out of the bathroom? He’ll be here shortly and after that I’m going to have a shower and then I’m going to the pub, you can do the plastering while I’m out, that’s your province, I don’t mind doing the electrics but I draw the line at plastering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JaneLaverick.com- more deprived than depraved.