I’m a huge fan of Dynamo the magician, he only goes to show what can be achieved with practice, and how very perfect it does make him.
For the rest of us, there are some situations in life, however, in which we can all be called to perform, that are, to say the least of it, tricky. How many have you enjoyed?
The funeral where someone from the pub or the past turns up and you have to introduce them formally to the bereaved and realise you only know them by their humorous, rude, nickname.
Breaking something that is not yours by fiddling with it, two seconds before the owner of it appears with an outstretched hand.
Diarrhoea in church.
Falling over in the street stone cold sober.
Accidentally spitting all over someone you are trying to impress with your coolth and suavity.*
Your nose running on someone you are kissing+
Belatedly discovering as you are presented with the restaurant bill that your cards and money are in the wallet on your bed which you did not, after all, remember to pick up on the way out.
When bowing on stage for the third time brings you into eye contact with your own unzippered zip.*
Calling your driving instructor ‘Dad.’
Killing the neighbour’s gold fish that you are caring for during the holidays by over feeding it.*
Calling your hobby club demonstrator ‘Mummy.’+
Making all the wedding guests search on the floor for your contact lens.
Making everyone on Platform Eight search for your contact lens.*
Accidentally and irretrievably hitting ‘delete’ on a device you are just holding for a minute, to help.
Mishearing and calling someone by the very wrong name for an entire phone call.*
Shaking the hand of a VIP, bowing slightly and farting in the silence.
Treading crisps into the carpet in Buckingham Palace and following it up with red wine slopped during an expansive gesture.
Killing the neighbour’s plants by overwatering them during holiday care.*
Killing the neighbour’s goldfish and replacing it with a smaller fish of a different colour+
Posting the neighbour’s keys back through the door a week early during holiday care and then realising you left the water running.
Having to do blanket thank-you letters for baby presents because the other parent opened them all and threw away the labels.+
Writing shopping lists in your head during a lecture/ a sermon/ sex and realising when people stop to look at you funny that you’re doing it out loud.
Serving small pies to friends (that have helped you with the decorating) that are filled with blue mould and green fur.*
Making a theatrical gesture to finish a funny story which smashes an innocent bystander in the face so badly they burst into tears.
Sneezing in someone’s face and wiping it with a very blown-on tissue whilst apologising.
Saying something rude about someone in a photograph and realising it’s the person who handed you the photo.+
Offering someone a sweet, dropping it, picking it up, wiping it on your trousers and giving it to them then noticing, one second before they eat it, that something really nasty has got stuck to it.*
Getting jammed in a garment in a fitting room and ripping it a bit to escape.
Almost anything to do with: bodies, hospitals, theatre gowns, changing rooms, very young surgeons, fluids, intestines. limbs, trunks, heads, teeth, skin and hair.*****************
Killing the neighbour’s goldfish and replacing it with a pot plant.
*All these cheerful things I did,
+all these were done to me.
All the others happened to people I know. It amazes me to negotiate a single day without gut-wrenching embarrassment over practically anything. The only answer is to become a hermit and live in a cave, alone, with occasional visits from a seagull.
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JaneLaverick.com – ooooh dear, ouch!