As December rolls into view, all over the world people are united in the festive chore of composing the annual round robin to keep far flung family and friends up to speed with the thrilling occurrences of ’09. What if your year has been boredom on a stick? So uneventful that you write your address at the top and then you’re done? Don’t worry, help is at hand. What you need is the JaneLaverick.com pre-basted, oven ready, stuffed and trussed, ready-made, gift-wrapped round robin. This wonderful time-saving service is available to all readers, free of charge, as a lovely little stocking filler from me to you. All you have to do is delete the choices that do not apply and bung it off to the relevant recipient.
Dear Auntie and Uncle / Governor and wardens / Friend / All / Vicar / Dave and family / Own choice of name ,
Oh my / Good gracious / Do me over backwards with a hatstand / Truly what a remarkable year it has been. It was busy from the off when we built the kitchen extension / started a tunnel in the boiler room / gave all our socks to the poor / lay around eating beans and having farting contests throughout January.
In February poor little Jonny / Geezer / Mrs Tompkins of the women’s guild / Rover finally passed the driving test / fetched a stick / found the architect’s blueprints for D block / managed not to miss the toilet and we were all very relieved.
For Easter we went to Pentonville / Fuengirola / Marks and Spencers / bed and had a lovely time / new scarf / diarrhoea / very useful lecture on mining / family-sized spit roasted camel breast with all the trimmings.
The summer began well when I planted beans / had a haircut / escaped and we were getting on well with the neighbours until we fell out over ownership of the fence / mower / stolen goods / dog / cat / snake / hamster / wife. In June we had a slap up barbecue / party / fight / fight at a party / fight at a barbecue / punch up.
Throughout the rest of the summer we grew our own organic vegetables / tunnelled back under C wing / sang hymns while scattering slug pellets / sat indoors and watched the rain until the end of term. In the first week of the school holidays we sat on the motorway for five hours each way in a traffic jam / made cakes for the village fete / finally dug our way up into the corner of the exercise yard / sent the kids to summer camp and attended a wife swapping party. All this just so we could be charged a fiver to walk along a pier to buy an overpriced ice cream that fell off the cone and through the pier slats after just two licks / be charged a pound a shot to throw a sponge at a pig to tip it off a hay bale / re-orient and dig back down, this time in the real direction of the perimeter fence / swap Moira for a lawn mower.
For the rest of the holidays we stayed at home / went to Frincham / emptied the soil out of our socks all over the boiler room / mowed the lawn until it was time to go out / come back / dig up / cut the hedge.
The autumn has been a bit of a disappointment. We were unable to get the kids into boarding school / get anything but tins for the harvest festival / locate the perimeter fence at all / sell the mower and were eventually, unfortunately, obliged by force of circumstance to teach them at home / make a pumpkin out of glue and shredded paper / emerge in the governor’s office right underneath the filing cabinet / keep the mower but sell Moira in part exchange for a roll of roofing felt.
With the nights drawing in all that remains is to take them to Santa’s grotto / make the costumes for the three wise men and find a house-trained donkey / remove everyone’s records, change all the sentences and parole recommendations, replace the records and fill in the tunnels / cover the roof of the lean-to, put the mower on EBay and use the proceeds to buy Moira back from the plum pudding factory —– and be home in time for Christmas / and be home in time for Christmas / and be home in time for Christmas / and be home in time for Christmas.
Well that’s what happened in ’09. My birthday next year is on —– and —–. Money would be a welcome gift.
Sincerely / love and kisses / with all good wishes for the coming year / ha hahahahahahahahaha
(Add name, aliases, ID number or thumb print here.)
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