Government plans have been leaked that take the monopoly on education from the traditional centres of erudition and spread it on a much wider, and cheaper, base. This will save the voting taxpayer millions and force the student of the future to be completely self-funded and, sadly, largely self-taught.
University of the Top Shops.
Histry bit one.
Fundation coarse.
Dear Oxfam,
I am writing to you in (hopes!) that you can help with an akademick problem. For my first theesis I want to spekulate on the arms of the Venis of Milo (that are not they’re) and spekulate on what they may be. Before they vanished, this is. As it is histry it is a long time ago and I wandered if I could run it passed you in case my ideers are not educashionally valid? I am supposed to be mentord by Mr. Ahmed at the paper shop who is old and has a GCSE in woodwork. But he is on holiday.
Anyway, hear are my ideers-
1) The Venis is kniting a bra from the unraveled towel that is slipping of her. Hips.
2) The Venis is not waering clothes much so she could be boxing with boxing gloves because in histry sports personalitites did not waer many clothes. Very like now, unless they are flogging trainors, or something.
3) The Venis is a cymbal of fertility because she has no clothes on. So she is doing agrikulture.
4) Her nose has been replased. So her arms were choped off because she was piking her nose.
5) I canott think of anything else.
I would like to know- 1) is their enugh stugh hear for a theesis? 2) Is it OK? I am having trouble getting books because the libry is shut on my afternoon of and 2) the screne on my mobile is a bit dim and I can’t always pay the fone bill.
I hope you can help,
Elvis Smethwick.
Oxfam,
33 High Street.
Dear Elvis,
Thank you for writing to Oxfam. I am always happy to help with a problem. I think your ideas are quite interesting. I was taught the Venus de Milo was holding an apple. Perhaps you would like to incorporate this into your theories?
Best wishes
Mavis Black.
University of the Top Shops.
Histry bit one etc.
Dear Mavis Black,
Thanx for yours. I have never had a letter from a proffesor before. I welcom the cut and twist of akademick debayt. Apple is an interesting ideer but why an apple? Why not a pineapple or a bunch of banananas?
Sinserely
Elvis Smethwick.
Oxfam,
33 High Street.
Dear Elvis,
Thank you for your letter. I am not a professor. The reason for the apple is that the statue represents Aphrodite proffering the apple in a classical tale.
Best wishes
Mavis Black.
Uni of the Top Shops.
Histry one.
Dear Mavis,
If you are not a proffesor what are you doing at Oxfam? I do not think Venis should have a tale. That is a silly ideer, even for a proffesor. You can see the back of it. They’re is no tale.
Unless you know beterr and it is under the towel. Perhaps you have done a hiher coarse than me that tells you they’re is a tale under the towel. Like an ork? If so can you say please?
Sinserely
Elvis.
Oxfam,
33 High Street.
Dear Elvis,
I am not a professor, I am a helper here in the Oxfam shop on Tuesday afternoons, which are often quite slow. So I’m happy to help, especially since we were donated some unfranked stamps and several boxes of coffee-stained writing paper.
Venus did not have a tail. Aphrodite was in a tale, a story. She is giving the apple to Paris.
Best wishes
Mavis Black.
Uni of the Shops
Histry
Dear Mavis,
Now I no you are having me on. You could not give an apple to Paris it is a great big town, they’re would not be enohg to go round. If your not a professor what are you doing at Oxfam?
Sinserely
Elvis.
Oxfam,
33 High Street
Dear Elvis,
As I said, I help at Oxfam on Tuesdays. (I’m doing mornings now as well as afternoons.) It’s a charity shop. I’m a voluntary shop assistant. Did you mean to write to Oxford University? Paris certainly was a person.
Best wishes
Mavis Black.
Uni of the Shops
Dear Mavis,
I am not going to write to you ennymore. I just want to say Paris was not a person, it has always been a town. Unles it is a Mith in which case I do not need to no yet because Miths in Histry are in the coarse next year.
Thank you for your help, it has not been much. Next week I am going to ask at the dri-cleaners, the man they’re does crossswords, he may no.
Sinserely
Elvis.
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