Stop Press! Hold the front page!
I have amazing news! In the tea break Mr Ahmed said ‘Elvis there is an oportunity for you to sit in at the FE collidge Art class, if you wish.’ I said, ‘When is it, will it cost me and why would I wish to do that?’ And he said, ‘Monday, no, they have a life model.’ I said, ‘A life model, what really? Really?’ He said, ‘Yes, really.’ I said, ‘No, really? Why?’ He said, ‘Yes, really, serve Mrs Goodbody.’ I said, ‘£4.25 Please put your card in the slot, why?’ Mrs Goodbody said, ‘So you can pay instead of money.’ I said, ‘I kno Mrs Goodbody.’ She said, ‘Then why did you ask, Elvis, I was quite surprised, seeing as you work here. It’s taken me ages to get the hang of these plastic cards but you young ones seem very oh fate with it all I must say.’ I said, ‘I am. But why?’ She said, ‘I expect you have to, working in the retail industry.’ And I said, ‘I don’t Mrs Goodbody, I’m a student, please take your card do you want a bag for the magazine and the chocolate? By the way all the bars on the middle shelf are going on speshul offer on Tuesday, we have to make room for the Easter Eggs coming in on Boxing day.’ And she said, ‘Thank you Elvis, your a good boy.’ and went out and Mr Ahmed said, ‘I wish you wouldn’t tell her about the speshul offers in advance.’ And I said, ‘She’s a penshuner. Why?’ And he said, ‘Becase she’s old!’ and laughed. And I said, ‘No really, why?’
Anyway, it turns out Mr Ahmed made some enquirees on my behalf becase he has a friend who teaches some of the computer classes at the collidge. And they already had the life model booked but half the students cant go to the class becase some are snowed in and cant get out of there villages and some have gone to big towns on student marches but as the life model has been payed till the end of term and has to turn up becase of a contract and it would look silly if it was just the life model and the teacher, they are really glad to have me!!!!!!!
And Mr Ahmed has given me some proper charcoal sticks and a sketch pad and I am going on Tuesday to sit in a life class, like a proper student and draw a woman with her kit off.
I am going to be very very serius. I am going to concentrate on the drawing. I am not going to laugh, sweat, stare, or anything else. I plan to have iron control of all bodily functoins, including my hand. I am going to practise over the weekend, so I look cool.
Should I get a haircut? I think I need a new shirt. I need new shoes. And after shave. And colone. And an electric razor. Now I definitly need an electric razor. Or should I have designer stubble? Can I grow designer stubble before Tuesday? Probably not. I could probably have designer five o clock shado if I start growing it now. I may even need clean underwear.
What if she fancies me so much she becomes restless and is unabel to model? What if she gets off her podium with her magnificent breasts glinting in the moonlight and lightly slides across the floor to my side, resting her bare arm on my easle? With her bare flank nessled against my easle stand and her tiny bare foot resting lightly on my new, very masculine, trainors? What if she russles my new haircut with her tiny bare hand? What if she is so over come with surges of passsion she presses herself, her entire self, her entire bare self, not wearing clothes, against my freshly ironed shirt and bow tie and says
‘Elvis, would you please serve Mr Clegg, he’s been waiting five minutes.’ And I said, ‘Sorry Jason. I was a bit distracted, I am going to do a life class on Tuesday and draw naked women. £3- 25, thank you.’ And he said, ‘Sounds like there might be something in this art stugh after all, you lucky git. Seriusly Elvis, no matter what the goverment do you should get an educatoin if you can, or you will end up on the bin lorrie like me. Thanks and I’ll have a Lucky Goldfish scratch card, theres a quid, you lucky git I hope you picked a good one.’ And I said, ‘There all winners, Jason, if you scratch the right boxes, actually somebody did win 50 quid last week, 75 pee change. Next please.’
I feel my luck is Changing. I no longer wish to be revolting. Revolution is a tool of the proletarian masses and has no place in the work ethic of the serius artist. I have a deep need to study the female form of the completely bare human body with nothing on it.
I wonder if I should take a warm shawl in case her tiny form becomes chilled or even frostbiten in the weather we are having? I kno mum has one I could borrow but unfortunatly it is pink with pom poms and gravy stains. She does wear it a lot at the moment so we can turn the heating down. Also, it is quite large which is how it gets in the gravy, every time she leans over her plate the pom poms drop in. It comes nearly down to her waist.
I think it would be better to take a light summer scarf. A small light summer scarf. A small sqaure one that would just cover a shoulder. That would slip off and she would bend gracefully to retreeve it, looking up at me with the moonlight glinting off her magnificent breasts as she murmurs
‘Elvis! Get on and serve the customers, theres a qeueu seven deep, I wish I hadnt mentoined it until closing. Tuesday is four days away.’
Four days! This year Christmas will be early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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JaneLaverick.com – the art of life.