University of the Top Shops.
Histry bit Two (2).
I kno it is quick to be doing a theesis after only a year and a bit at Uni but, (or, as we say at uni,) how-evver, Mr Ahmed, my mentor (who also runs the paper shop and has a GCSE in woodwork, a sertificate from caytering colledge, a valid driving lisence and an extra qualification in hip replasement from a university in somewere near China) says, you cannnot get started on exams to soon, there’s enugh of them to do. I asked him how it should look like and he says just do pages like a story like at school, exactly the same but leave of the fansy border and crayon pictures, he says. Then we had a debate, which is what you call an arguement at uni. I said if it is about art which is a picture, how will they kno what the picture looks like if I do’nt draw it huh? And he says everywon knos the MOna LIsa Elvis, she is really dead famus. I said define dead famus then huh?
Becase that is what you say in a debate.
Mr Ahmed said Trust me on this, she is really really dead dead famus, even my Auntie in Karachi has herd of her. I said really really, le’ts ring her and find out and he said OK if you pay the fone bill Elvis so we di’dnt ring but I wish we had ringed her, we could of gone: Hello Auntie in Karachi have you herd of MOna LIsa? And she might of gone – yes I kno her like the back of my hand, or she might of gone – I have’nt a cloo, does she run the dri-cleanners? But, (or as we say at Uni) how-evver, as I am skint we shall never kno.
So, assuming (another Uni word, it means pertending) that you kno the picture I am on about, here is my theesis which is a Uni thing meaning my idea, about the legs of the MOna LIsa. (You canot see them, they were not painted. If they were painted they would be hanging of the botomm of the painting under where the frame is at the botomm. Like dangling like. But (How-evver) they are not. This is good or I would have nothing to write a Theesis about. Or I would but it would be something els. I should of said at the start that the MOna LIsa is also the picture called la Jeeocondor. It is the same one How-evver a different name. The picture is so dead famus it has two names and everyone stil knos what they are talking about. So like two men in a pub and one might of said You kno the MOna LIsa? And the other one would say What? La Jeeocondor you mean? And the first one would say.
Yes.
Like that famus. Maybe Mr Ahmed is right and we do’nt need to fone a frend at all. I will assume (or pertend) that you kno this. It will save time.
The Legs of the MOna LIsa and what they might of looked like.
An observer might assume the legs of the MOna LIsa to be like nromal legs like any woman might of had in anchient times. Investigations of skellywobbles in museums and everything have shown that legs are the same all through histry. Women commonley have two (2) legs the same as we do with the nees in the middle for bending. And a cashual observer might of supposed the legs of the MOna LIsa to be nromal, as nromal. How-evver, assuming you have looked at the background, which I have, there is good reeson to assume, How-evver that the MOna LIsa had not nromal legs at all.
My theesis, which I will supprot by debate is that the MOna LIsa (let us call her LIsa because it is quicker to write every time and I am going to be writing it a lot becase she is what it is about) is eyether on a skateboard, an electric scooter, or on skates of some sort, be it roller skates, roller blades for exammpl, or be it joggers with wheels, or the latest inline skates. Actually it would not be inline skates becase they are modern, you canot catch me out like that. It would probly be a skatebord like in the old film Back To The Future, which in spite of the name is stil a really old film. How-evver I am amazed in all the years of looking at this farely famus painting that no one els has spotted this or even deduced it by assumtion. I think this will be concidered a big contribution to academik knolege, once everyone has had a good read of it. The more you look at it, once you kno, the more ovvious it is. Now I look at it I am struk by the ovviousness of it. You would have to be a munkey with it’s head in a bag not to see it, it is that ovviuos.
The LIsa is a red herring!!!
(A red herring is a word derivated from detectives and means a wrong thing you notice a lot, so you do’nt notice the real cloo.) The LIsa is a massiv red herring sitting right in the middle of the picture. Not a herring really, with a name like LIsa you could of gessed it would be a woman. I’ts a dead give away. If it was a picture of a fish it would probly be called the MOna cod, or the MOna herring, for exammpl. (MOna is a girls name too, really, I kno what your thinking, MOna sounds like moner like a woman who mones and I mean that in a rude way not like when your Mum mones there is always washing were does it all come from Elvis. How-evver I’ts not rude or even a histry name i’ts just a nromal name of a woman. This is the good stugh about Uni learning, there is stugh you coul’dnt make up.
(Becase this is a theesis I can say this. I will be able to say more stugh next year when we do miths which are full of gods doing stugh to women. You are supposed to say all about it, i’ts part of the coarse. If anyone from the examm bord is reading this I think I need another mentor for that bit becase I do not think Mr Ahmed knos that stugh. Not becase he is forein (he is from Birmingham) but becase he didunt learn it at school. Miths are about Greek olden times. And my question is, should I go to the Aphrodite Takeaway and Chipperama by the bus station for help on this module. Please say, you can just text me. Thanx.)
Anyway she is a red herring although she is the subject of the picture. Quite a lot of people have written many words and other theesises about the look of the LIsa. People have spekulated that she is the most lovliest woman in art.
Ovviuosly not. You onlie have to take one (1) look to see she is not. She lacks the knockers of a really fit bird, she has seriously missed with the lipstick and that. Tho to give her her due she is smiling in a bit of a come on. Well I would think it was a come on if she smiled at me like that. Not much. It is a hello Elvis smile rather than an ‘Im up for anything Elvis you could take me to your bedroom and give me aright seeing to smile. Tho I might not becase she looks quite old. But she could still be good fun for doing other stuff with even tho she is older than you. Like your Nan. But if I am right the real cloo explains why the LIsa is smiling like somone who just borght a winning scratch card with a pound they found on the ground.
In the background (which is the rest of the picture up to the eges) there is a thing so ovvious I canot, I repeat CANOT believe anyone in histry so far has not noticed it. Have a look. What do you see? (I kno you canot, I think I better do a drawing of it anyway. It will supprot my thery and may get another point towards my finals. Mr Ahmed and me have debated this point. I said a picture canot hurt. It is an illustrastion. He said no pictures at your level you have to do it with words. I said ah but ah but a picture is worth a thousand words. He said not in crayon it i’snt. I said I will do it in biro then. It is my theesis if I want to have chip rappers in it I could and it would be validd, I could be inventing something. And he said you d’ont have to invent failure Elvis, i’ts already been done.) (So I may not do a picture.) (or maybe a small one in pensil at the end.)
This is my theery. Are you ready. ? The LIsa is sitting in front of a skatebord park. She is smiling becase she has just wipped in from the left on her blades and a sekond after the fone went click she wipped off to the right down the path. The MOna LIsa is smiling becase she is dead happy. She is chillaxed, major serius chillaxed, she has not fallen head over tits or come a right croppa on her arse. If you look at the picture she has rolled all the way from the top right of the picture over the bridge, right round all the wavy paths up and down thru the woods and has just stopped for a breather resting on the bridge before she rolls of into histry. She is made up, tho she is not very cleen she has not got rips on her tshirt or anything. She is a major acheever and dead proud. Now I have explained it in this my theesis, you will never be able to see the MOna LIsa again without seeing the skatebord park in the background. Like I said, once you kno it is there it is dead ovvious.
Of coarse there are few skatebord parks left now. They belong long ago and were made in histry. Round here everyone does it down the multi story car park which has ramps that go round and round for six storys and a lift that works often. There is also a small ramp but it is in a kids park with wodden animals on springs that nobody would be seen dead on. If you compare that with the MOna LIsa skatebord park there is seriusly, seruiusly no contest. She has got seenery and everything. There is probly even an ice cream van out of shot or the whole ride ends in a skate thru MacDonalds. No wonder she is lauhging her head off. She is a millionnaire with her own skatebord park.
This is my theery about the MOna LIsa. Now you kno what is on her legs. Rollaboots.
You can tweet me on this if you like. I welcome the cut and twist of academik debate.
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Keen readers of this column will remember meeting Elvis for the first time in: Things from History no. 6 1/2. The arms of the Venus de Milo, which can be found in the archives in November 2009. With current government plans for higher education and the employment situation, there is a strong likelihood of Elvis Smethwick staying at the University of the Top Shops for the foreseeable future.
JaneLaverick.com – culture on a stick.