Welcome to the very last Archaeology Now, dug up from the archives, dusted off and popped on a glass shelf with a fancy label. This blast from the past was part of a series of radio plays called Knickerbocker Glory, written specifically for steam radio, who specifically ignored it. The last Archaeology Now features the featured archaeologist with the craggy features and sedimentary accent and his long suffering spade man, who this week are roaming far but not necessarily wide.
For anyone just tuning in, the rest of the series is to be found archived, if not fossilised, by clicking on the Knickerbocker Glory category to the right and scrolling back through the months.
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Archaeology Now.
Barrows.
Quick burst of early English theme music, tambours and shawms.
Very Devon ’Ello and welcome to Archaeology Now with me, Very
Devon and my assistant, Derek Here. Today we ’ave
come to the very north of Scotland to excavate what
might be stone age barrows, or iron age spoil ’eaps or
mebbe, even, Pictish earthworks. There’s ten of them
’ere on this bit of moorland. Although we’ve ’ad
permission to dig them from the farmer ’oo owns the
land, we’re ’aving a little trouble establishing their recent
’istory, or any ’istory at all. Why is that, Derek?
Derek Here It’s mainly because we can’t understand a word the
farmer says, Dev.
Very Devon Well that is a problem, right enough. ’Ad any luck in the
library?
Derek Here There isn’t one.
Very Devon So we’re relying ’eavily on the artefacts we’ve dug up.
What ’ave we dug up, Derek?
Derek Here Nothing, Dev.
Very Devon But you ’ave dug the first barrow to a depth of six feet
or so. What ’ave you found?
Derek Here Soil and rock.
Very Devon So, not very ’elpful there then.
Derek Here No.
Very Devon That is a shame because we thought that was the oldest
barrow. I see you’re about to start on the newest
looking one.
Derek Here Shall I take the topsoil off now?
Very Devon Yes, go on. Oh look, what’s that? Well that is a bit of
luck, listeners. Derek Here ’as found something straight
away. What is it, Derek?
Derek Here It’s a plastic bin liner full of rubbish.
Very Devon Pass it ’ere. Cor, what a pong! ’Ow old is that then?
Derek Here Two weeks. You can tell by the sell-by date on this
bread wrapper. It’s all bags of rubbish, look.
Very Devon So it is. ’Ere comes the farmer. I wonder if ’ee can
enlighten us?
Derek Here I doubt it. There’s somebody with him, carrying a
huge bowl.
Very Devon That i’nt a bowl, it’s that danged plastic coracle. Well
I’ll go to the foot of our stairs, really I will, and dance
the ’okey cokey. We go as far north as we can without
falling off the edge and ’ee turns up. ’Ow does ’ee do
it?
Coracle Man Hello! Fancy seeing you.
Very Devon What are you doing up ’ere?
Coracle Man I’m on my holiday. I’m staying with this farmer.
When he said there were two archaeologists paying
him to dig up his rubbish tip, I thought it might be
you.
Very Devon Rubbish tip! What do you mean, rubbish tip?
Farmer Och awa wi’ ye. Dinna I telt the pair of yez? I wadna
stap yez fer guid money, ye ken, but I still think yer
saft in the heid.
Very Devon Any idea what he said, Derek?
Derek Here Not a clue, Dev.
Coracle Man I told you. He thinks you’re both mad to want to dig
up his rubbish tip but he wouldn’t stop you as long as
you’re paying him.
Farmer Fond, the pair of yez. Wad you be after a wee dram,
jes noo, awa doon the hoose, or wad ye be stopping
oot wi the rubbish?
Very Devon Pardon?
Coracle Man He’s asking if you want to stay here with the rubbish
or come back to the farm for a drink.
Very Devon I don’t think we need to think about that, do we
Derek?
Derek Here No, Dev, we’ll pack it in and have a drink.
Farmer A wee dram it is.
Very Devon We’ll ’ave one of them an’ all.
Theme music.
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It is merely fortuitous that two entries this week have concerned the joy that can be derived from the inability of denizens of one part of the British Isles to understand those from elsewhere. Readers old enough to remember Fyfe Robertson, the roving reporter from the television programme ‘Tonight’, doubtless recall his extraordinary ability to dig up extreme eccentrics from all corners of the land, who were frequently in need of translation, though speaking English, to all intents and purposes. Sadly the prevalence of mass media in every earhole has reduced us mostly to an homogenous mass with indistinct diction wrapped around well worn phrases.
Happily there are still a few places where individuality flourishes. The web manager, who dwelt for a decade in Dundee reports this glorious utterance to be heard in the fish and chip shops of that locale.
‘Twa plen bridies an a nig an in an ah.’
Which translates freely as:
Two plain bridies and an onion one, as well (and all.)
I recall from my youth in the North East of England, a report on a staff outing, posted on a bulletin board, that contained the magic words: ‘After, wadwates and gan yem.’
Or as we might write in posh places: After, we had our teas and went home.
Well done to them all and a deep fried Mars bar for pudding, thank you.
JaneLaverick.com relishing individuality.