1st draft.
Little did I dream when I accidentally backed into shot whilst sweeping up the leaves five times (wait for the laugh) that I would be written into the script, what with the running out of light and film. Man Sweeping Leaves has been, I think I may say, an important role for me and for the film industry. The inclusion of ‘reality’ figures brings l’art du acktor to a new and wonderful high and I can hardly believe that Angelina trod these boards right before I did to get another of these lovely doorstops (brandish shampoo bottle, wait for the laugh). When Fred took me to one side and said, as only he could do, the words that will remain with me for ever: ‘What’s your name? We’re going to have to write you in, unfortunately’. My heart leapt and I immediately wanted to thank God, my mother and the Academy members who voted for me.
Who would have thought, who would ever have thought that the end of shoot party, to which I was not invited, would by chance have been held in a cliff top hotel on the very night it became a cliff bottom hotel? I accept these three awards on behalf of the other acktors, many of whom you may have heard of, quite a bit. They will never be forgotten, who ever they were, and I am conscious of their part in my meteoric rise to fame, as the papers and television had no one left to interview and every word I said about Man Sweeping Leaves was said, at length, with honesty and that very good wiggly eyebrow I can do sometimes.
The storm of media attention has lead to enquiries about roles in other films, that I cannot mention here. If you were to keep an ear open for Man Getting Off Bus and also Person In Queue, you would not be disappointed, I promise. My new CD will be out just as soon as I’ve formed a band.
In conclusion I would like to say
Roland are you in there?
Yes Mum, nearly finished. I would like to say
There’s other people need to use the bathroom you know. Are you squeezing spots again? You know it makes your chin sore.
That I will be famous for ever. There you are, I’m done. Honestly, there’s nowhere in this house you can get a minute to your self.
7777777777777777777777
2nd draft.
Thank you thank you thank you. I am so happy now that I am more famous than Gwynneth, Glen and a whole load of other people beginning with G. I may not have very long, long legs, in fact I may have short, quite full legs, especially in the thigh, but I hope to prove that anyone can act and that winning an Oscar does not depend on having a flat stomach or a very expensive dress looking like hotel curtains with glitter to stick your long thin leg out of.
I would also like to point out that girls who cannot grow their hair long, who have it breaking off at ear length although it was properly conditioned, can still get their pictures in the paper. And you don’t have to have one of those hundreds of dollars handbags either. As I lean forward into the microphone I notice a moustache at the corners. Oh no, I can’t go out like that,I’m going to miss the train!
777777777777777777777777777
3rd draft.
I would like to accept this award on behalf of my family, who are out having lives. I would like to thank them for all the mess they make for me to clear up. Speaking as Best Mother In A Supporting role, I would like to thank microfibre, for help with the polishing, bleach for the black bits and that pink stuff that gets out the stubborn stains. In accepting this solid gold statue that I could sell and have a new laptop, oven, and all the bedding plants I want for round the porch, I would like to remind you that I also have a birthday coming up and would like something better than the promise of a day out that I never got, that I had last year. In conclusion I would like to say that that’s the mirror done, I’m finished in here and I’m going to have a cup of tea and half an hour of shopping telly before I get started on the dinner.
77777777777777777777777777777777777
JaneLaverick.com bringing you the Oscars from bathrooms everywhere.