So, what did you get for Valentines day yesterday? No, me neither. However, it is Monday morning and what you get with that is a laugh and a bit more radio play, absolutely free with love from me. So that’s all right then. Not exactly a box of chocolates but it could be worse. It could be lard.
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Market Research.
Phone rings twice.
Researchee Hello?
Uncle Reg’s niece Hello. Are you the householder?
Researchee Oh yes! Are you from the council? I’m so glad.
They’re getting worse.
Uncle Reg’s niece What are?
Researchee The drains. You could cut the air with a knife.
You’re not the lady I spoke to earlier, are you?
Uncle Reg’s niece I don’t think so.
Researchee Are you in a different department?
Uncle Reg’s niece No, I’m in the kitchen.
Researchee The kitchen?
Uncle Reg’s niece Yes, crammed between the Aga and ten sacks of
pig vitamins.
Researchee Oh, you’re not from the council?
Uncle Reg’s niece No, sorry. Is the smell very bad?
Researchee It’s awful. Why are you phoning me?
Uncle Reg’s niece You should try living on a pig farm if it’s smells
you’re after, my…………..householder. Ah,
now, wait a minute, hang on, I’ve lost the bit of
paper. Right, here it is. I am ringing you,
householder, with a wonderful opportunity.
Researchee It’s not timeshare, is it?
Uncle Reg’s niece What?
Researchee Timeshare. You know, timeshare holidays.
Uncle Reg’s niece What’s that then?
Researchee No, obviously it’s not.
Uncle Reg’s niece So what is it then?
Researchee Well, you pay so much.
Uncle Reg’s niece How much?
Researchee I don’t know. It varies. You pay this amount
and you get holidays for twenty years or
something. Like, you get the third week in
August somewhere posh for the next
twenty years, or whatever.
Uncle Reg’s niece So could I have the third week in August in
Buckingham Palace for the next twenty years
then?
Researchee I don’t think so.
Uncle Reg’s niece Pity. Be handy for the shopping. And
sightseeing and that.
Researchee I don’t think they do timeshare.
Uncle Reg’s niece They do tours. My auntie went. She said it was
nice.
Researchee It is but I’m sure they don’t do timeshare.
Uncle Reg’s niece Pity. Anyway, I am ringing you, householder,
with an opportunity.
Researchee It’s not double glazing, is it?
Uncle Reg’s niece What is?
Researchee That you’re selling. You’re not selling double
glazing?
Uncle Reg’s niece I’m not selling anything. We could do with double
glazing ourselves. When we get an east wind it
goes through the edges of my bedroom window
something shocking. The man up the road had it
done and now his house is lovely and warm.
They could do with it in Buckingham Palace.
Researchee Do you think so?
Uncle Reg’s niece My auntie said it was draughty. Nice but
draughty. It improves the look too. The man up
the road had aluminium. It looks ever so modern.
Some double glazed picture windows on the front
of the Palace would look really nice. Modern
and up to date. They could have a nice
aluminium conservatory on that balcony where
they all wave from. Keep them warm while
they’re waving. Anyway, I am ringing you,
householder with an opportunity.
Researchee Well, if you’re not selling anything, what is the
opportunity?
Uncle Reg’s niece It’s an opportunity to win prizes in a free draw.
Researchee OK. Put my name down, thank you.
Uncle Reg’s niece No, hang on. First you have to answer some
questions and then you can win prizes in a free
draw.
Researchee Oh. Market research.
Uncle Reg’s niece Is it? I don’t know about that. It’s just some
questions. Not many. It’s only one bit of paper.
There was another but I’ve lost it.
Researchee What are the prizes?
Uncle Reg’s niece Well the first prize is a cash prize. The second
prize is a holiday and the third prize, and there’s
ten of them, is a lifetime’s free supply of lard.
With very colourful wrappers. For even if you
live to be a hundred. If it hasn’t gone off. So,
will you answer the questions, please?
Researchee Oh, if I must.
Uncle Reg’s niece Thank you. That is nice of you. Here’s the first.
Would you say you were in one of these age
groups, a) 20-30 b) 30-40 c) 40-50 d) older?
Researchee C.
Uncle Reg’s niece Thank you, I’ve ticked it. Next, how much do you
like pigs? Would you say it was: a) Very much
indeed b) Quite a bit c) So so d) Not fussy or
e) Prefer another animal?
Researchee In what way. like pigs? Do you mean to eat?
Uncle Reg’s niece No, more to live with really. So would you like
to live with a pig very much indeed b) quite a bit
c) so so and so on.
Researchee I wouldn’t like to live with a pig at all.
Uncle Reg’s niece I’ll put you down as e) Prefer another animal, then.
Next question. Would an offer of free lard influence
your decision to have a farm holiday a) Very
strongly. It would be the deciding factor that would
make you just go for it. b) Not very strongly but it
might help you decide if the lard was nice. c) You
would only be influenced a teeny bit or d) You
would not be swayed by lard at all.
Researchee I think d). I don’t like lard very much.
Uncle Reg’s niece Don’t you? Really? How odd! Right, next
question. Which would be your choice of pig
related souvenirs in order of preference: a) A piggy
bank b)A plaster pig model c)A pig shaped rucksack
d)A paper mache pig ornament e)A bobble hat with
a pig on it f) A pig shaped air freshener g) A hot
water bottle with a pig painted on it h) A pig doll
with hair you can comb and a choice of outfits, say
either dungarees or a ballet dress and a hat,
obviously i) Fluffy slippers in the shape of a pig j) A
straightforward old cuddly pig or k)A side of bacon?
Researchee It’s difficult to say.
Uncle Reg’s niece I know, it’s spoiled for choice, isn’t it?
Researchee Not much. I don’t think I have an opinion.
Uncle Reg’s niece I’ll put you down as all equal winners then. Right
next question. Is it: a) I don’t mind a bit of mud it
doesn’t bother me. b) Mud would not stop me
enjoying my holiday. c) Mud or no mud, it’s all
the same to me. d) I’d prefer not to have mud,
thank you, or e) I am very fussy and don’t like
mud about my person one little bit.
Researchee Hmm, given the choice..
Uncle Reg’s niece Which I am giving you for the chance to win a
prize draw.
Researchee Quite. Put me down for the middle one.
Uncle Reg’s niece Mud or no mud, it’s all the same to you, is it?
Researchee I suppose so. Is there much more?
Uncle Reg’s niece No, this is the last question on this bit of paper.
Here it is. If you had taken a farm holiday under
the influence of complimentary lard, would you be
expecting advice on knitting to be part of the
amenities on offer?
Researchee Not really, no.
Uncle Reg’s niece So you wouldn’t feel you’d missed out if there
were no knitting lessons?
Researchee No.
Uncle Reg’s niece I told them so. I said they wouldn’t be expecting
knitting. That’s just what I thought, that shows
you the value of questions, doesn’t it? Especially
when people give the right answers. Thank you
householder, your number will be entered in our
prize draw and I hope you get your drains fixed.
All winners will be notified by next Tuesday, so
I’ll ring you back then if you’ve won. Good
luck, householder.
Researchee Bye.
Uncle Reg’s niece Hang on, I’ve just got to read you this. Forget
theme parks and holidays in nasty hot foreign
countries, Reg Smith farm holidays are the holidays
of the two oh one ohs, no, the twenty tens, the
tweens, this year, whatever you’re calling it. Reg
Smith is the twenty one ohs calling. Bye. And good
luck, between you and me I think you’re in with a
chance of lard.
Click brrrr.
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Read JaneLaverick.com and go sizzling into the week like lard down a smelter chute.