New Year, New You getting a bit old? Old Fat, Old Hips, Old Rolls of Flab still the latest thing? Don’t worry, here at JaneLaverick.com we’re dedicated to making you so lovely and slim your nearest and most costly will walk past you in the street, just like they do now, except this time because they didn’t recognise you.
We recognise that what is horribly wrong with all the diets out there is that they, basically, consist of food. What slimmers need is not food at all. What they need is putting off food. If a good dose of flu won’t do the trick the Laver ICK diet will. There’s a full range of foods costing little more than the usual supermarket processed food-alikes but with the added bonus that it has all been produced locally and contains no nasty fattening preservatives, E numbers or thickeners. Many items are on home delivery. Wave hello to the Laver ICK diet and goodbye to your bingo wings.
Let us peruse the menu:
String soup. This is not just soup with the flavour of string, this is soup actually made of string. It is grey. The stringy bits in it are, well, string. It is very unappetising. Calories per can: 1 (but only if you lick the glue off the label). Nutritional value: no.
Bag of poppadims. Looking like poppadums, tasting very, very slightly like poppadums, texturally a tiny, tiny bit similar to poppadums, moreish in a ‘there’s still some left’ kind of way but actually made of compressed dandruff. 6 calories per giant bag (from residual hair oil).
Pake. Paper cake. With photocopied cherries on the top. Now with blotting paper filling and correction fluid icing. May cause constipation. At least.
Knee jelly. Little bits of cartilage. In a brightly coloured cellophane bag.
Carpet circles in thick gravy. Impossible to finish. Difficult to start. Painful to chew. Hard to bite. Cannot be cut. Really nasty gravy, not lickable or likeable. Horrid all round. Very slimming.
Scratchings. No, not pork scratchings. Scratchings. It’s a number you ring and someone comes round and scratches you.
Fish sticks. Sticks with fish painted on them. Locally sourced. (The back garden.) Minimal wrapping on these. Very green. An ecological delight. Place straight in your recycling bin and cut out your middle.
Pancakes. Limited edition these, lasting exactly as long as the chainsaw and my saucepans.
High Screams. Available flavours: Cherry (someone will come round and scream ‘cherry’ at you) Vanilla (someone else will scream ‘vanilla’ at the top of their lungs) Cosi Fan Tutti (a premium flavour, screamed by a trained opera singer) Justa One Cornetto (a CD of the old advert) Neapolitan (not really, it’s the bloke from the Pizza shop on his day off).
Chocolate Moose. I can’t tell you the trouble I had with the zoo, arranging this one. He can stand on the drive for up to five minutes, after which the RSPCA have to come and inspect the standing conditions.
Simulated bread. It’s slices of super strong furnishing foam. Your teeth just bounce off, as often as you like. Get that authentic ‘chewed to exhaustion’ feeling.
Mail order premium lettuce. This is the real thing, posted to you one leaf at a time. By the time you’ve collected enough for a salad, you’ll have wasted away.
Milk shakeaway. A cow will stand on your drive, jump up and down for a while and then wander off. Make sure the moose has left before ordering this or the cow may run away before you get your full three minutes of shake.
Gums. Ancient people will cluster by your bed, remove their dentures and smile at you.
Whine gums. As above except this time some of them will complain.
Cheese. A centimetre cube of hard yellow cheese, presented in a mousetrap, garnished with a three week dead mouse and assorted bacteria.
Chewing gum from the pavements of the world. Many lumps had only one previous owner.
The Laver ICK diet, putting the ‘eck’ in breakfast, the oops in soup and the thinner in dinner.
The JaneLaverick.com legal team would like me to point out that you shouldn’t eat inedible things, but as I said to them, half the stuff the food industry puts on supermarket shelves is stuff you wouldn’t eat if you knew what it was, and as they said after that, well that doesn’t matter, you can’t tell people to eat chewing gum off the pavements and I said, well it was just a joke and they said well someone could sue you if they tried to eat a saucepan and I said now you’re being ridiculous and they said well you wrote it and also we would like to say, our auntie wears dentures and she never whines at all, so I said it was a joke, it was a joke, twice, like that, and they said we don’t care about jokes, you just have to do what we say and I said shan’t and they said go to your room and don’t come out until you have better manners, missy.