Still achoo.

As I still have this streaming cold I don’t feel well enough to do much.  Television is stupid.  (You noticed?)  Books are heavy to hold and I only have five minutes before I cough again.  I need something which you can do with no effort for five minutes at a time, which does not involve someone selling me something I don’t want, or gloomy stuff about the world, or the weather.

And, for lo! Here it is. This is it.

So I randomly picked a topic from the list to the right and read the third one.  Did you know if you scroll down to the bottom and follow the arrow to the right it takes you to the next post?  If you go left it takes you to the previous post.

Anyway I got into the middle of 2013, a year after my father died, when I was new to being a carer.  I cannot imagine how I lived through all of that.  My relatives were so horrible. I had forgotten how so many people who had no intention of helping financially or practically expected in my scant time off to have two hour phone calls keeping them up to date.  I had forgotten that my cousin turned up on the doorstep explaining that he was next of kin now and wanted a copy of my father’s will to see how much he was getting, completely ignoring my mother who was still alive.

I had forgotten about my broken arm going mouldy and having to have the plaster off and the hooks removed.  To this day I have a dimple in my wrist and one in my hand.  I had forgotten that regardless of the medics here telling me to do nothing on peril of my bones not mending, the care agency there demanded my presence, so they could save their skins and my mother patting me endlessly on the broken arm until it swelled up so I couldn’t get a sleeve over the wrist.

This month in five days it will be eight years since my mother died and I think she is beginning to wear off a bit.  I counted on my fingers and found it was 2023 at this time of year that I should have been celebrating surviving cancer for five years but I was still so ill from the adhesion surgery I missed it.

2012 to 2017 is five years but eight years to be absolutely recovered. Nobody ever tells you this.  No fortune teller ever said ‘You are going to spend eight years of your life caring, or recovering from caring, for someone who abused you, at the cost of your health, wealth and happiness.’  That’s a ninth of my life.

At the start of a new year the ancient god in charge is Janus, who looks both ways.  It’s worth squinting down the lane of the past to watch yourself running through a hailstorm of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune to get to here and notice how you are building resilience every step of the way.

I’ve posted this in Dementia Diaries just in case you are a new carer.  You do eventually come out of it at the other end with the wisdom of experience, the strength that only negotiating extreme difficulty for many years can grow and the knowledge that you can do a lot more than you thought you could do.

If caring for someone demented looks to be the year ahead of you, good luck, every little thing I found is here to be read.  For myself I am looking to the future and hoping for dolls, writing, and cheerfulness and expecting all of them to come from within.

~~~~~~~~~~

Posted in Dementia diaries., The parrot has landed. | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Achoo.

Yes I have the cold.  If I were a man it would be flu.  The OH brought it home and sat and sneezed without benefit of a handkerchief or tissue, saying that he was paralysed when sneezing.  It took two days of thinking I’d escaped, three days of a throat feeling like a trick razor swallower where the trick had gone wrong and four nights of not sleeping for coughing and now here I am.

My feet are like blocks of ice because I decided I wasn’t well enough for a work out.  I nearly coughed until I was sick this morning, however, being female I have managed to empty two bins, clean the sink and feed the birds, despite the freezing fog.  I am glad not to be a farmer having to get up and go out to care for livestock.

Outside the freezing fog is clinging to the spider webs, miracles of architecture that they are.  If my breath didn’t turn into freezing fog outside, I’d photograph them for you.

I do not understand people who talk about the majesty of winter or the joy of ice.  I do not comprehend arctic explorers.  I have a well travelled school friend who went to Antarctica to see a penguin colony.  She said the smell was so dreadful you could hardly breathe.  You don’t get that information on picturesque wildlife films, do you?

I was forced to go skiing with the school in the 1960s.  I was not grateful.  I had a pair of borrowed wool trousers from my cousin that were half lined.  The outside was worn smooth but, as she had skinny legs the inside was in much the same condition as when it came off the sheep.  Sheep must be very patient, you never see them jumping around the fields because they are itching, tickling themselves with their own wool.  Imagine if you were a sheep and found you have a wool allergy.  If we could teach sheep to use scissors, your winter jumper would be acrylic and that would be the choice.  I did once interview an Australian doll maker who wandered for very very very many miles along a barbed wire fence, in Australia, collecting wool from sheep who couldn’t wait to get sheared but were rubbing up against the fence.  This, of course, is the danger of importing animals to unknown lands.  You’d never get this problem with kangaroos.  When they leap, sprung up with a boing by those tails, they’re creating a fan of cold air up their nether regions.  Adapted by evolution, you see.  Built-in air cooling.

I see dog walkers from the upstairs window, they look utterly miserable but the dogs are doing what they are told and being grateful for a trip out.  This is the good thing about cats.  Next door’s cats come through the garden at speed, this time of year, heading for their cat door.  You could never train a guide cat for the blind; if they didn’t want to go shopping they wouldn’t go and if they fancied coming back via the top of the garden wall and flattened under the hedge, they would, dragging a gasping owner at speed as the cat door loomed.

I feel sorry for the birds.  If you knew that you would be reanimated as a garden bird after mortality struck, fewer people would be badly behaved.  I put out fresh water but it’s so cold it was solid under an hour.  I had a delivery of a massive bag of small suet and very good seed which I’m putting on the table and on the ground but the little birds only feed early in the morning.  I don’t know what they do as the day wears on, they do like to sit concealed inside the camellia bush.

Thank goodness for the great indoors.  That was possibly the greatest human invention ever.  The first day someone sat in the cave poking the fire, watching the dinosaurs galumphing past and decided to stay in, that was the start of civilisation as far as I’m concerned.  Yes I know, agriculture, Olympic games, black ball in the bag, Julius Cesar, Industrial and various other revolutions all overshadowed, for my money, by William Caxton, cavity wall insulation, and the seventeenth century development of the wing chair, the great heroes of staying in.

Get warm and comfy, pass the tissues and do a bit of reading (there’s sixteen and a half years of reading here, you could do a lot worse, especially with a cold, in the winter.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Posted in The parrot has landed. | Tagged | Leave a comment

Piles.

Yes, I have piles, I have piles of piles and lots of them.  Putting cream on them will not help.  Sucking my stomach in and thinking of higher things is no help at all and eating prunes doesn’t make a hap’orth of difference.

What I have is book piles.

I can remember a time when I did not have book piles.  It was in the nineteen fifties.  I had a bookcase in my bedroom which had a longer lower section then a shorter mid section and one box on top, so the form was of steps with a stepped section for displaying other things in case you had a bookcase but didn’t really like books.  The whole effort was covered in a toffee coloured varnish on the outside but the inside was painted yellow.  There was a lot of pale lemon yellow around generally in the fifties.  All my aunties had lemon yellow twinsets.  My older cousins had lemon twinsets and sticking out skirts.  My mother had a cream, verging on yellow, kitchen with red handles on the cupboards.  It was the latest thing. One aunt had a black and white kitchen which had been the latest thing before the war and another aunt, the one with the money, had a bathroom that was black and white tiles in patterns like an art deco cinema.  I was always amazed when I used the facilities that there was not a flapper with a swansdown boa and a cigarette in a foot long amber holder reclining in the bath.

The aunt with the money was married to the uncle who had earned it and had a drawing room with big book cases nicely filled, which I envied.  Other aunts did not notably have books to envy, they were much more likely to be readers of women’s magazines and did swap opinions of recipes from magazines at coffee mornings.

My mother realised I was a reader quite early and brought me back books from the library when she went shopping in town every Friday.  When I think about it this was not only a kindness, it was also an effort.  We had a family car, but my mother was unable to drive and did not learn until the Sixties.  In the fifties driving was for men, among the aspiring classes.  All those women in the war driving tanks and vans and delivering aeroplanes might as well have not happened in the family I got adopted into.  The demarcation lines between the sexes were iron clad.  Men did not pick up tea towels, women did not drive cars. So my mother went in to town on a Friday on the bus and returned the same way with a woven wicker shopping basket on wheels, full of books.

Usually by the time she had unpacked the shopping and put everything away I had read at least one book.  She couldn’t keep up with me and never complained but I developed the habit of stacking the books and reading them as many times as I could before they disappeared the following Friday.

We moved house in ’64 to the house my father had designed and built, being a builder.  He built me bookcases too.  I filled them but they never overflowed because I was a teenager and didn’t earn money.  When I left home and was a young teacher with a flat he made me a collapsible bookshelf which I took down to Nottingham flat in my car and erected and filled.  I have it still, it lives in the loft filled with the books of my youth and the Sixties.

In the flat I still didn’t have book piles.  I didn’t have much spare money, running the car seemed to take up a lot of money and, of course, being in my twenties, going out was a necessity.

I believe I may have developed book piles after the S&H was born.  I certainly recall piles of books on my bedside table being helpful during the wakeful nights.  You can rock a baby with one hand and hold a book with the other easily, in this way never resenting the baby but being delighted there is extra reading time.  I have always been delighted that there is extra reading time.

As we were only in the next house for a couple of years not only did book piles not develop, we had no money for books at all, as we were living in an area within reach of London for people commuting for work, so everything was priced accordingly.

Finally moving here we could afford to live and buy books.  I was  tutoring and had a bit of spare money but we were intending to stay here just a short time because the OH quickly got a job elsewhere and we prepared to move house.  We had bought one tall bookcase when we moved here and one short one and, once we knew we would be moving, there didn’t seem any point in investing in more furniture until we knew what sort of house to fit the furniture into.

We never moved, I never stopped acquiring books but we never bought any more bookcases.  In another year and a half we’ll have been here for forty years, with thirty eight years’ worth of book piles.

This of course is the thing about the new year.  You can make all the resolutions you like but the unforeseen will still creep out of the shadows of the future and bite you on the ankles.  I firmly intended for nigh on forty years to buy  more bookcases when I moved house.  Great.  I just never moved house.

And now I have piles.  I have them in the loft, near the bookcase, in boxes.  I have them towering conveniently near to my bed (these are the really dangerous ones, I’m not sure you can wake in the night and Learn Perspective Drawing in Two Weeks, though I have frequently given it a go.)  And, as you know the garage is not only filled with them but lovely neighbours add to them on a regular basis.  Putting them out on a trolley fools no one, after a slow start, I effortlessly assemble more than I can bestow.

Only a non reader (which isn’t you) would offer the solution of having once read them, you can scrap them.  What sort of person would read Wind in the Willows once?  I have three shelves of Terry Pratchett.  One is a signed one which the S&H queued for hours in the cold in Dundee to get for me when he was a student.  In the top ten of my possessions, ever.

So I have book piles.  There is a skill to piling books which takes into consideration not only the size of the book (biggest on the bottom, smallest on the top) but frequency of use.  I have phases of reading the same book three times just to check, so that needs to be near the top of the pile even if the surface area considerably exceeds a pile of five below it.

This method of filing naturally leads to book avalanches, which I don’t resent at all.  If they happen in the night I take it as a sign that the book which has ejected itself from the pile has something to offer, so I read it again.  In this way the stratification of individual piles is constantly evolving.

E reader, I hear you mutter.  Kindle?  Yes got one of those and regret not buying all the Alan Partridge books in paper, I think they would look good in a pile.  I have bought the latest in paper, it is arriving tomorrow and I know just which book pile it will perch on top of in a couple of days.

I do recycle the newspapers.  I’ve seen the television programmes about people who have to be rescued from newspaper piles.  In fact, I’ve got a book about it, it’s here somewhere, in one of these piles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted in The parrot has landed. | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

End of year* pop quiz.

Television channels and magazines are full of them, this time of year.  Quizzes, that is.  This is actually because no editor can get the journalists out of the bar for love nor money.  Here the quiz is because I like you to feel this blog is edgy**, competitive*** and very very trendy.****

It is a pop quiz but not terribly up to date for the simple reason that I stopped listening to pop music about forty years ago.  I don’t even understand the names of the artists anymore.  They call themselves things like ‘Snoof buffalo earwax 93’ but I bet their mothers call them Kevin.

I have written and researched the questions but sadly ran out of time for the answers.  This is a good thing as it means you can’t be wrong, always a good quizzer’s attitude, I feel.  There are absolutely no prizes, don’t try to call a call line; there isn’t one and you can post your name and address to anywhere you like before next Wednesday and you still won’t win a house in the Algarve, or a flat in Manchester, or a speedboat*****

Ready?  Oh, I should have said, it’s multiple choice, so not having any idea at all of the answers is no bar to success, just like the TV quiz shows.  All we need is a quiz show host

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

There you are.  Right, off we go.

1) Who was Sade’s ‘smooth operator’?  Was it:
a   an eyebrow threader
b   a spanx retailer
c   Dyson hair tongs
d   a Botox specialist
e   a particularly short sharp leg waxer

2)  When Queen wanted it all and wanted it now, who were they talking to on the phone?  Was it
a    the local water agency about the water coming out of the taps knotted and a funny shade of green?
b     a robot to go and fetch an actual human to close a bank account
c     a manufacturer in a country where no one speaks English to get a missing charger for a brand new, very expensive all singing smartphone, or it would be if you could charge the battery

3)   ‘Wheels on fire rolling down the road’ refers to:
a     a fashionably tight pair of boots that were pinching her bunions
b    the size of her ankles after a long haul flight to a gig in China
c    a quotation from a garage for rotating her radials

4)   In the song ‘White Christmas 24’ what is causing the white?  Is it
a    snow – come on it’s 15 degrees out there
b   dandruff
c   an explosion in the local toilet roll factory caused by a fatberg blocking the main drain

5)   What do you want if you don’t want money?  Could it be
a    Someone reliable to clean the gutters
b   a pair of jeans that fits around the waist without causing a muffin top
c    slippers with a reasonable heel

6)   In the song ‘Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away’ what other items were selected for regifting but not mentioned in the lyrics?
a    a bottle of hai karate aftershave from 1973
b   lace trimmed Yfronts with a dancing poodle motif
c   52 small charity shop gift bags made from recycled saris

7) In the Bing Crosby song, why was it beginning to look a lot like Christmas, was it?
a     Chocolate Easter Eggs in the supermarket
b   you’ve just discovered three Amazon deliveries with unknown names and blurred addresses in your green bin
c    your inbox is rammed with January Sale adverts from online places you visited once who got your contact details and are persistently delete resistant

8)   In the song ‘I will do anything for love but I won’t do that’. What was it he wouldn’t do?
a    vacuum the stairs
b   empty the dishwasher
c   clean the oven
d   take out the recycling
e   fish the gunk out of the plughole
f   clean the toilet properly and then clean the loo brush
g   wipe his feet on the mat instead of trailing mud up the hall
h   arrange some flowers that were gifted by a neighbour into a vase
I   bring a clean tea towel downstairs for the kitchen
j   do anything at all with a used tea bag except leave it on the side of the sink

Answers
Anything you like, really, or, all of them especially 8

Poptastic, wasn’t it?

~~~~~~~~~~~

* Any year
**not very
***no
****about forty years ago
*****handy in Meriden, centre of the UK but there is no need to worry as there are no prizes anyway.  The only reward is the satisfaction of knowing you did a quiz, about something popular and got it right.

Well done. If anyone says you’re not up with the date or down with the kidz (see how very modern that looks, replacing the letter s to indicate a plural with the letter z, which doesn’t, but is edgy (see **).). You can tell them you did a pop quiz and won.  If you need proof send a self addressed stamped envelope and I’ll return it with ‘yes’ written on a bit of paper inside.******

******Though you still won’t have won a speedboat.



Posted in The parrot has landed. | Tagged | Leave a comment

Site Information

Site information isn’t just the title of this posting, it’s a category.  The information I have is that I haven’t been posting because of post.  The need to get the cards in the post was, as usual, urgent.  I’m saying this time it was because of the family situation with the job and the kidney donation but, really, it might be more accurate to say nothing gets done without a deadline.

The OH has an alternate family he has adopted, for whom he has bought presents in a sale, which he is now wrapping to give.  I’m quite surprised, I was expecting Christmas eve drama.

The holiday always creeps up on everyone.

I have in the past done all the shopping early, which absolutely kills the excitement.  I’ve shopped in the summer sales for presents and then bought a similar thing twice because I couldn’t find the first one.  The thing not to do is to buy something that might be a present for someone unspecified.  It will still be in the drawer years from now, unless you entertain a lot.  I have been entertained at such an event where a recipient was given an address book with a very seventies cover at a noughties party and the S&H, who was three at the time, was given an adult torch, which he loved.

I do remember standing at a bus stop in the rain just a few days before Christmas, with arms so full of presents I looked like a participant in Double or Drop and about to be gifted a cabbage if I did.  I remember doing this twice particularly, once in Sunderland, once in Leamington Spa.  Each time I knew I had exactly the right things for exactly the right giftees.  This is a rare and treasurable state of mind.  Generally if you find something utterly apposite it is unaffordable.  Anyone would welcome a Rolls Royce or a really enormous diamond ring.

What I really want is more time.  I feel this year that I can do the usual seasonal things such as three hours in a crowded shopping centre, but that afterwards I could do with a really long sit down.  I think the OH and I have had subclinical something or other, we’ve been a bit fluey and sneezy but it never developed, thanks probably to the autumn injections.  Also, the gift I am trying to give myself is a bit of weight loss before Christmas rather than the hatred of the post-festival older and wider hips that leads to three weeks of workout and sad starvation in the presence of trifles going off in the fridge and a half empty chocolate box, where hunger leads to the disgusting strawberry cremes being desirable right up to the point where the swallowing occurs. Not only will one swallow not make a summer beach-ready body, a whole flight of them will guarantee it isn’t, ever.  So I am cutting down on food now, which could well be why I have less energy.

Some energy is well spent at this time of year, some not.  I carefully made 65 very complex cards involving numerous processes and portraits of the OH and self, done from a selfie (because if I’d done them from a mirror no one would have recognised us except us.)  I had the list and the OH’s list.  Mid week I was done and gave the OH his share, whereupon he announced he wasn’t sending any this year.  Then he got a card from a relative and had to.  He tells me he cannot take them to the pub because he now goes to a different pub.  Had he told me this a month ago I could have made a mere 53 cards a lot faster.

The family will be coming for Christmas in January when the DIL is well enough to travel, minus a kidney, which removes the urgency a terrible amount.  So I am off to wrap the presents (boxes with some presents already having been sent) for January, so that, even in the event of no deadline at all, it gets done.

And then I will decorate, which will be early for me.

The OH announced darkly this morning that we were the only house on the street without decorations, as if he was going to do something about it.  As I have traditionally remarked, Christmas is a festival of work for women, wherever you are in the world.  Also I appear to have arranged for the central heating boiler to be serviced early doors January, which means that anything I haven’t bought now, I will not buy and we can jolly well do without.  You have to do this in order not to join in with the third week in January Festival of misery-nothing-else-nice-will-ever-happen-again-I-didn’t-get-anything-I-wanted-and-now-I-am-fat-too, celebrations.

Bah without the humbug, humbugs are fattening.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

A woman lies in bed on Christmas eve but cannot sleep for a noise: rap, rap, rap.*

She gets up and checks the turkey in the oven to make sure she didn’t accidentally turn the oven on.

She goes back to bed and hears: rap,rap,rap.  She gets up again and leans out of the window to see if the neighbours’ children are having a rap party.  They aren’t so she gets dried and goes back to bed.

Rap, rap, rap.  She gets up, puts her slippers on and a cardigan and goes out to the car to check it isn’t being stolen.  The wind blows and she just manages to run back to the door and jam her foot in it before the door slams shut.

She washes her foot and puts a sticking plaster on it and then goes back to bed.

Rap,rap,rap. Rapraparaprap, cher, boof, boof, boof, champ, champ.

Yes, it was her husband snoring all along.  She hits him and tries to go to sleep but now she is cold and it’s five o’ clock anyway, so she gets up and makes a cup of tea.

Ho, ho, ho.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you think it was the wrapping paper?

Posted in Site information. | Tagged | Leave a comment

Deliverance.

Somewhere in the house are the two volumes necessary to contain all the information of a children’s encyclopaedia.  You’d need a bigger set now because this one is over a hundred years old.  It has a page or two on the postal service and a trick question about the fourth delivery on Christmas day.  Everybody knows the postman only delivers twice on Christmas day and to prove it there is a detailed line drawing, looking like one of those new fangled photographs of a postman doffing his cap as he prepares to ride off on his bicycle, having delivered the letter with the stamp of King Edward looking regally tubby.

Heart warming.  It would do.  Every step on the road to hell has little gold and pink edges round it.

How did we get from there to here?

This morning, just before seven, I was deep in the middle of an interesting dream about something, when I was woken by a battering on the door and a ringing of the bell.  I swung out of bed, put my slippers on, (because I don’t want another broken toe for Christmas, thanks) and dashed downstairs, cautiously, shouting ‘Hang on!’, as you do.  I opened the door to find a large man with a small package.

‘Give me your pin number!’ he demanded.

Well now, I wouldn’t do that. Would I?  Every communication from the bank indicates that you should never do that.  I’d have to think of a new one and then learn it, and anyway, which pin number?  Elucidation was at hand from the delivery agent who, scanning my face, provided:  ‘On your phone!  The pin on your phone!’

Had it been later in the day I’d have been more alert.

Be alert.  Your country needs lerts.

I was thinking of the phone and wondering whether to fetch it.  I could you know.  I have a modern phone.  It doesn’t have the curly wire attaching it to the wall.  You can take it off the stand and walk around with it.  Deckt?  Is it?  Decked maybe?  Anyway that.

The delivery agent was using his powers of power again.

‘Laberick?’  he shouted, ‘You are Laberick?  Right?’

‘Well yes but,’

‘Then you have a four digit pin on your phone, get your phone.’

‘Ah!  I don’t have a smartphone I’m afraid.’

‘Then you can’t have this.  You give me the four digits and I’ll give you the package.  I cannot give you the package Laberick, without the digits.  I need your digits.’

So saying he took a photo of my doorstep and stalked off up the drive into his enormous van and slammed the door.

I stumbled back upstairs.  The OH was in his bathroom. ‘That,’ I told him, ‘was a delivery agent wanting a four digit pin off my phone to deliver a parcel.’

‘My phone!’ (Careful where you’re aiming that stream, please.)

‘My phone!’

Remember the anguished cry ‘Daddy!  My Daddy!’ from the Railway Children?

Similar but with urination, and ‘Phone, my phone!  Stop him Jane!’

I ran with the wind (another consequence of early rising for the elderly) down the stairs and out on to the drive, followed by the OH barefoot in his pyjamas.  I ran to the huge van, which was still parked on the pavement, waving my arms like a trainee penguin, but it took off up the road.

‘Catch it!’ cried the OH unrealistically.

As the van did a turn in the next road and headed back and up another road, he chased it.  Back upstairs I watched him disappear up the hill.  There was quite a lot of traffic but he knows how to cross the road so I headed for bed.

Didn’t get there.  The OH was back in the house and up the stairs spoiling for an argument.

‘Why didn’t you wave your hands more?  Why didn’t you fetch me?  You should have known that was for me.  It was my new phone.  If you didn’t understand, why didn’t you tell him you would fetch your husband?’

I had no idea we had retreated to the 1950s.  Silly me.

I wouldn’t say all delivery agents are the same.  We have a local lady delivery agent, called Melanie, who delivers in her car, knows her customers, smiles as she hands things over, waits until you get to the door and is, in every way doing her job in an old fashioned way as if it were her job that she cares about doing well.

However.

On Sunday morning in the middle of a red warning storm my neighbour from my right hand side turned up at the door with two very soggy packages.  One was a plastic bag, the other a large carboard package delaminating as he stood there.  He had discovered the packages by chance deposited next to his bins, on his drive at a house which did not have a number the same as the number on either of the packages.  My neighbour apologised, I thanked him and reassured him that it wasn’t his fault.  He has a porch door which is always open and has the house number contiguous, I have a porch door which is always open with the number of the house next to the door.  Yet some delivery agent (very definitely not Melanie) decided that best thing they could do was leave two packages in a storm outside by some bins.

The large card package contained my Christmas present from Lynne.  Her friend had been with her when she bought it for me way back in the summer and had so kindly saved it to post to me for Christmas.  It was beautifully packed.  It is a framed cross stitch picture of a doll’s house.  Sadly the storm and being outside by the dustbins for goodness knows how long, had smashed the glass to smithereens.  The OH took photographs with his phone (the old one with the pin numbers on it) as I unpacked and the cardboard fell to bits.  Fortunately the glass proved to be removable with care without damaging the picture which is stitched on to Aida fabric and the rain had not got to the fabric.  I will reglaze with UV resistant acrylic and hang the picture in the room where Lynne stayed and she will always be there.

A day later I had an email asking me to rate my delivery.

Oh yes, you know I did, in no uncertain terms.

There is a video on local social media from  a doorbell camera of a passer-by noticing a delivery agent had left most of a parcel sticking out of a letterbox and stealing it.

I have had to retrieve packages left by the back door.  Someone had to ignore the front door, visible from the road, looking like a porch door with a number beside it and instead turn to the side of the house, open a gate and walk through, then, even, ignore the catnip that is the dustbins and walk further down the side path to find the back door.  I have even had deliveries all the way down the side path and round the corner to the sun room doorstep.

I have in the past done quite a lot of remote Christmas shopping.  Apart from two items that I could not source locally, this year I actually went to the actual shops and actually bought things with actual money.

Quaint or what?  I did it fully dressed in the middle of the day, which beats chasing a van through traffic, in your pyjamas.

Progress, you see, a downward trajectory.

I understand the Big River retailer has a similar opinion of most of its delivery agents to me and is already delivering packages by drones.

That’s going to be interesting before seven in the dark, dropping packages on the traffic.  Do you think someone trained on computer games, delivering by handset from a gaming chair is going to care whether an unspecified package gets anywhere near the front door, or not?

Next spring I shall endeavour to source package resistant plants for the front garden.

And the back, and, come to think of it, package resistant weeds for the roof gutters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This post was hand delivered to your device, thanks to Tim Berners-Lee.


Posted in The parrot has landed. | Tagged | Leave a comment

What’s going on underneath, a posting that is well and truly knickers, or, how to feel clever about bra purchasing mistakes.

Underwear is going on underneath, usually, though you never can tell.

When I first began making dolls, nearly thirty two years ago, I dressed them with all the clothes I wore.  I was really keen for them to be little people for people, who, unlike the song, were people who didn’t like people but preferred dolls.

I still feel like that, in the main, though I’ve never met a miniaturist or doll person I didn’t get on with, we are mostly coming from the same place even with differing trajectories.

At first I dressed dolls with completely removable clothing, including underwear and socks.  To this end I visited a lot of museums and clothing collections, in reality.  Thirty two years ago there were no virtual trips round museums, you had to actually go.  This was handy because I had a lot of questions I wanted to ask curators.

I went on a couple of tours where the tour conductor was keen to tell the assembled company that they knew for a fact that the people (of which ever era was the subject of the tour) didn’t wear underwear because none had been found.

As I wrote recently, we do know that ancient Romans had toothbrushes; ancient Romans could have grotty teeth just like any other people from history if they didn’t brush them.  They also sweated just like any other people in history, which is why the Roman baths are such a massive topic and why the city of Bath is called after the ancient baths.  If you are used to being either filthy or washing in a bowl, it is easy to see why putting your whole self in to a restorative hot mineral bath could feel like a cure for all ills.

I was a teacher in the 1970s.  I had a flat which had a bath room with a bath but no shower.  I bathed every day but in my childhood once a week was considered adequate for everyone.  Teaching children who enjoyed the same frequency of bathing, or less, I became very odour aware of which children were clean and which were not.  The children were taken once a week to the swimming baths, ostensibly to teach them to swim, which we did, but also to allow the dirt to flow away in a tide of chlorine.  In the changing rooms helping children who had clothing with buttons up the back, it was also obvious who had clean, newish underwear and who had inherited hand me downs, with or without holes.

In the eighteenth century children were often sewn into their over clothing during the winter.  The zip fastener wasn’t invented in a useable form until 1913, adult clothing was fastened by buttons,  hooks and eyes or laces.  I had indoor school shoes that were fastened by small, hard, black buttons.  To close them you needed a button hook that you inserted through the leather loop on the shoe to pull the button through the loop.  It took a while to learn because it was very stiff for little fingers.

A relic of winter sewing persisted into the Victorian age.  I learned about it when caring for my mother.  Her mother was born in 1888, and continued the practice that had obtained in her childhood. In the spring, when washing and drying lots of clothes out of doors became possible, and children, putting on a spring growth spurt, were released from the clothing they had worn (or been sewn into) they were given what was known as ‘opening medicine.’  This concoction was to aid with opening of the bowels as part of the general clean out.  My mother told me of her mother’s surprise appearance with a large jug of what she referred to as lemonade.  ‘We,’ muttered my mother darkly, ‘were not fooled.’  All five children had a large glass of this ‘lemonade.’  Although the idea may have been beneficial to health, the simultaneity of administration to a family with just one one-holer earth closet at the bottom of the yard, is questionable wisdom.

They very definitely had undergarments.  The survival of undergarmentry, or lack of survival as part of history is difficult to fathom in the textile-rich present.  Personal knowledge and historical research fill the gap.

Had you been alive in Tudor times and able to fly an anachronistic aeroplane over England in the late spring or early summer you would have seen many houses surrounded by a patch of blue land.  The blue was the flowers of flax, which is used for making linen.  Flax is a plant with a massively long stalk which, when the outer tough layer is broken down, is packed with very long continuous fibres, ideal for weaving.

We know that the weaving of linen is a very old skill because of survivals in Ancient Egyptian relics.  Mummies are usually wrapped in linen bands.  We also know of the weaving of strips of fabric for clothing from anecdotal evidence in the Bible, ‘she wrapped him in swaddling bands and laid him in a manger.’  Some years ago presenter and historian Julian Richards, meeting the ancestors in a TV programme examined a late Roman burial of a young girl which contained artefacts.  Among them were what looked like small springs.  He wondered what they were.  Any weaver could tell you that if you can teach your fingers to twirl fibre round a stick to make a spring, you can spin thread.  If you can spin thread, you can weave, if you can weave the simplest item, bands of fabric, you are qualified to get married.  The ‘springs’ were the beginnings of spinning and showed that the girl had been buried with her qualifications.  A much later badge of ability was the sampler of sewing stitches required to make clothing, of which there are survivors from Georgian times well into the Victorian era.

In the eighteenth century, weaver’s cottages were built with floor to ceiling windows to take advantage of natural light, the high ceilings were bridged with beams over which spun thread could be looped.  Weighted with stones or wooden weights with holes in them to tie the threads to and hold them taut, the weaver could take a shuttle, or a ball of spun fibre back and forth, woven between the vertical threads to make long bands.

It is for this reason that spring weddings became traditional.  If you marry in May or June, you have time to sow flax seed in your land which will grow and flower in late summer.  Then you can obtain the long fibres by rotting the outer casing.  You can ‘dew ret’ them by lying them on the fields or ‘water ret’ them in a stream.  We know people rotted their flax in streams because of legislation that was passed, stopping the practice because it made water downstream foul and unsuitable for drinking.

Flax that had been obtained was ready for spinning and weaving in the autumn, with woven strips either sewn together into larger pieces of fabric to make new winter clothes or kept as swaddling bands for the baby that would be born in the spring.  We have an adjective ‘shiftless’ meaning ‘useless’ which is derived from the mediaeval woman who was so useless she couldn’t make her own shift.  This was the long linen undergarment, gathered round the neck on a string that you see above the gown, round the neck, in many portraits of women in mediaeval dress.  By Tudor times the pictures make obvious how very fine and gauzy the linen has become.  By this time we even have surviving examples of dolls with linen shifts under their gowns, and family portraits with children clutching such dolls.  The shift and other undergarments kept the dirt on the skin away from the incredibly expensive over garments on which the decoration was hand embroidered.  Those of us old enough to remember embroidery lessons at school know exactly the effort such decoration took.  I spent an entire term, aged ten, on the same tray cloth.  The teacher, who I hated, took great delight in turning my work over and taking her scissors to it as it wasn’t good enough unless the back looked as good as the front.

Despite the shift and other undergarments, lack of personal hygiene still caused problems with clothes.  There used to be a good museum collection of clothes near me, that I was able to examine closely, which included a collection of wonderful embroidered Edwardian clothes made in sweat shops to be worn by the moneyed, and nearly all of them were rotted at the underarms.  Elizabethans avoided this problem by having separate sleeves.  These were a tube, laced around the top with the laces threaded through a little ruff, called a picadil, over the shoulder.  The style of the picadils could change in fashion, the latest being sold in London in the area now known as Piccadilly.  This term was also used for the sleeve and ruff supports that framed the face with the latest import, lace, the entire concoction being supported by whalebone, threaded through channels in the undergarments, or ruff props. However fancy the ensemble, the under arms were still able to be exposed to the fresh air, thus saving wear and rot to the fabric which had been hand made at every stage from sowing the seed to embroidery on the cloth.

If it took you that long to make your clothes, nothing would be wasted;  linen or wool would be used and worn until it dropped to bits. In Tudor and early Elizabethan times even the bits were used.  Men’s breeches got shorter and shorter and puffier.  They were stuffed with rags that were known as bombast, giving use the term ‘bombastic’ meaning puffed up with pride and stuffed with rubbish.

There was from mediaeval times, that we know of, maybe earlier, a great trade in second and third hand textiles all over England.  I have written of well dressing in Eyam in the Peak District, which continues to this day.  Plague arrived in the village in a trunk of second hand clothes from London.  The vicar made the brave decision to stop the spread of the fatal disease by making the villagers stay in the village.  Most of the villagers died but the plague did not spread. Giving thanks, the children of the village to this day make pictures of fresh flower petals pressed into clay which are used to decorate the wells that provided fresh water to the surviving villagers.

In the past if textiles were valuable, shoes were  utterly unaffordable for some.  My mother, winning money in a colouring competition as a child in the thirties, near to Jarrow from where the Jarrow marches started, was taken by her mother to the local police station.  Here some of the money was given to the Shoeless Children’s Fund, which was run by the police at the time.  There are still charities for shoeless children in various parts of the world.  I taught a child who only ever wore jelly type sandals and no socks, winter and summer alike, his feet were always red and swollen.

Back to the future of the fifties, I remember my mother polishing the silver with my father’s old string vests.  Yes we were posh enough to have silver (it was a teapot, initially, until the antique collecting took hold) but common enough to polish it with the worn out underwear.

This, of course is why there is little surviving evidence of underwear of the past.  Even in a horrible condition it was too valuable to throw away.  There are some surviving examples among the terribly rich.  I have seen with my own eyes, in an antique shop, a pair of wonderfully embroidered separate leg bloomers.  The embroidered logo VR would lead you to believe these belonged to Queen Victoria, as would the spiel of the shop owner, however the price was as high status as the reported owner, so I took a good look and left them where they were.

There is no doubt, although not much surviving evidence, that people of the past wore underwear.  Today there is great joy to be had in the simple pleasure of wearing new socks that have not gone all crispy underfoot.  New knickers, similarly, are so superior to the old ones with the perished elastic.

Bras are another thing altogether.  The modern brassiere, arguably began with Caresse Crosby, who invented it in the early years of the First World War, patenting it on February 12th 1914.

Prior to this invention, reportedly draped by Caresse on her ladies’ maid as the model, using handkerchiefs, baby ribbon and safety pins, women supported the upper torso with corsets.

In the costume museum in Bath there are good examples of corsets several hundred years old.  The costume museum developed when Bath became a fashionable place for the sickly to take the waters in the hope of a cure.  When that didn’t work, accompanying relatives sold the clothes that were no longer needed to help defray the cost of the trip, or the funeral.  In the costume museum are examples of very beautiful shifts, some embroidered with blackwork, very effectively worked with black thread on white linen.  Over the shifts leather corsets were worn that covered the back, were seamed over the shoulders, scooped down to embrace the rib cage, in the process acting in a supporting role of the shift, gathered over the bosom, the leather being laced at the front, underneath.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

As a child I wore the descendant of this type of corset, the Liberty bodice.  This wasn’t just a misnomer, it was a total lie.  It was reckoned to be healthy because it kept you warm(ish) and was worn from October to March, when it was laundered whether it was slightly grubby, absolutely filthy or not.  Old clothing habits die hard.

I stayed with my grandmother most Saturday evenings, so was able to watch her if I was ill during the night getting up to care for me.  Out of bed she put her corset on over her nightie, exactly as women for generations before her put their corsets over their shifts.  In one swift movement she grabbed the corset from the chair where it reposed overnight and slung it round her, catching the leading edge as it appeared at the side of her, whilst never letting go of the other edge.  In a matter of moments she had hooked the two edges together, stood up straight and declared herself able to think.

What you wear does affect the way you think and the way you move.  Elizabethan corsets had a slim pocket down the front into which was inserted a busk, a long flat piece of wood, which was sometimes carved or decorated.  Whilst supporting the torso and suppressing the stomach effectively it made certain movements difficult.  There are a few Elizabethan dances, which look, in paintings, as if the dancers are pogoing, the 1970s punk dance.  This was because one of the few movements the busked ladies could achieve was jumping up and down.

There is, of course, another good reason for underwear throughout history, which is feminine hygiene.  As a teenager I was the age to benefit from the development of internal sanitary protection for younger women and girls.  But at the start of the sixties, going up to my all-girls secondary building, everyone was aware of the Bunny Incinerator located in the downstairs toilets.  We wore an elastic belt round the waist from which dangled a hook front and back, hooked on to this was the Dr Whites sanitary pad, which was basically a flat piece of cotton wool enclosed in a gauze. You very definitely needed good thick knickers to keep this item close to you, if it moved around too much, it leaked.

I asked my grandmother what people did before the invention of sanitary pads.  These were invented in 1896, so whilst my grandmother, born in 1888 may have been the beneficiary of the invention, she also knew what her mother had done.  Every house had a bowl in the scullery, often under the sink, in which rags were soaking.  Here we have another good clue as to why underwear of the past appears so infrequently in clothing collections.  My grandmother made the point that she and her contemporaries had little choice about whether they had babies or not.  Many Victorian women did not have much use for rags, being in a state of permanent pregnancy, Queen Victoria among them, though she was only continuing a long tradition. Queen Anne at the end of the seventeenth century had eighteen pregnancies, though only five births, none of the children surviving into adulthood. It is interesting to contemplate that Queen Victoria was Queen Elizabeth’s great great grandmother, not that far away in history, yet in a different world for women.

To return to the dolls, I eventually decided that dolls in trousers didn’t need knickers as well, it makes them look lumpy, but dolls in dresses definitely do need knickers because collectors always turn dolls upside down to see what is underneath.  And, of course, the dolls sold in underwear with brushable hair have knickers and bras which are glamorous or utilitarian depending on the look of the doll.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I appreciate my underwear of any era, and the dolls look as if they do too.

What do you do if you have no underwear?  It seems ridiculous that in the twenty first century, some people only have outerwear, because it covers them and they can’t afford underwear.

There are girls in Africa desperate for an education but unwilling to go to school at certain times of the month for shame because they have no underwear. Since Dr Whites had a good idea in the 1890s there has been progress in slim, effective sanitary pads that stick to underwear.  Wonderful, easy, discreet, effective but absolutely useless if you have no underwear.

There are homeless people on the streets of Britain who have no underwear, men, women and teenagers.  I cannot imagine how awful it must be to live on the street and sleep in a doorway.  Right now, it is sleeting, if I was out in it all the time with just thin doled out clothing and no warm underwear, I don’t know how I would make it through the night, or if I would.

Some years ago I was lucky enough to discover a wonderful charity that I could help with items of clothing I didn’t want.  Every now and then I have a good clear out of my bra drawer.  I am, and always have been, well endowed.  Like all women I fluctuate in weight and size.  Women are meant to be stretchy.  No stretchy women, no babies, no human race.  In my case the stretchiness is evidenced in my bra drawer in the number of bras I have hardly worn because 1) I changed shape in between buying the bra and remembering to wear it.  2) I mail ordered it and forgot to return it in time to get my money back. 3) I bought it in the summer, thinking that red wouldn’t show through my white top.  4) It looked great in the changing room but awful under clothes at home… and so on.  The search for the perfect bra which will give me the silhouette of Marie Antoinette, the smoothness of Doris Day and the cleavage of Jane Russell continues.

I am willing to bet I am not the only woman with a drawerful of bra mistakes. It is estimated that 81% of women in the UK are wearing the wrong bra size.  I have old favourites including boil wash bras which, when the wires make a bid for freedom and poke out, I recycle.  I used to have to throw them away but my local council now collects textiles to recycle.  I take the wires out and put them in with the metal.

The good ‘unwearable by me’ ones, the ‘might wear it when I’ve lost half a stone’ ones, the ‘fashionable colour’ ones, the ‘changing room mistakes’, languishing at the back of the drawer, I collect until I have a few, enough to fill a padded postage bag (also usually one I’m recycling).  Next time I’m in a well known high street clothing store I add a pack or two of nice new knickers and I post the lot off to the most brilliant charity.

Here it is:  www.smallsforall.org

Please do go and have a look and see what wonderful work they do to bring comfort and joy to thousands of people.

I have never (I don’t think) advertised a charity here and I don’t think I ever will again but this is such an easy way to help people for the cost of a pack of knickers and a bit of postage.  For this you get the glow of goodness, some space in your underwear drawer, and the knowledge that someone somewhere has dignity and hope because of you.

Ignore what costume museum tours tell you.  Of course people in the past wore underwear, shout ‘knickers!’ to misinformation, ‘solidarity!’ to women who need uplifting and send love to Smalls For All, who have to be some of the most inspired recyclers there are.  As miniaturists who can do several dozen things with a wooden coffee stirrer, isn’t this right up our street?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted in Dolls, Knickerbocker Glory, Things to make and do. | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Twice as nice.

I do not stick to my own rules.

Twice does not, apparently mean a repeat of the same thing.

Last night as I was just dropping off, the weather being chilly, leading to snow flurries, the OH had no problems getting me out of bed to ask where his other fluffy blanket could possibly be because he’d looked in the wardrobe where I said it was and he couldn’t see it.

Wrong wardrobe door.  I opened the other one and for lo! there it was, visible to the naked eye by looking and if pulled slightly with the hand, able to fall out on top of the pullee.

I turned and stalked off with my recently broken little toe right into the bed leg and broke it again.  (The toe, not the bed leg.)

I am getting quite used to broken toes.  Broken toes are sub-dexa scan.  They do not show up on bone density doo dads.  They just break on their own.  Mine have always done this.  The first I remember was sliding on a freshly polished school hall floor.  At A&E they told me I had not broken my toe because hairline fractures don’t show up on X rays.  So I carried on wearing heeled shoes and consequently have had a toe that healed sticking up ever since, on my left foot.  I did a couple randomly, and the OH did one by stepping backwards with his Crocs on my bare toe in Australia, but the most noticeable was the mirror, second toe on my right foot, which I did during lockdown. Under the circumstances I was not keen to go to hospital in case I came home with an X ray and Covid, so I didn’t go.  Now that one sticks up in the air too.

And now my little toe, left foot, is stuck to my other toes with sticking plaster, as it was previously.  It took quite a few weeks to stop hurting last time.

Astrologers would have me believe it’s all due to Pluto at the top of my chart.  Personally I think it’s due to walking barefoot without due care and attention.

And two, the power of two, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted in About artists. | Tagged | Leave a comment

Two, twice.

As dedicated readers know, it’s all about two.

If I put out three flowerpots, it looks wrong.

I buy vests in twos, it’s just easier than finding I like it, going back and waiting until they’re back in stock to buy the other.

Problems of late have not been coming singly, you may have noticed.  I wish I had.  What made me think that I could go to the dentist with a broken tooth and just have a filling?  Eternal optimist that I am.

I can’t take the broken filling in to the dentist.  I swallowed it, along with a crisp.  So I’m back to up at dawn to get a dental appointment, then goodness knows how many of them to get an eight hundred pound crown* fitted.

I’m trying to be philosophical.  Some people have dental emergencies in public holidays.  Could have been a Christmas roast potato that finished the filling and I’d have been crackered.

Back to soup.

And we’ll be having Christmas Lite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Money, not weight.  You could get a real crown to put on your head for what it’s going to cost me for a fake tooth.

Soup.  (I wish I liked it.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted in About artists. | Tagged | Leave a comment

The whole tooth.

I should have known I couldn’t get through the last ghastly six weeks without something going south.

Well it nearly went south but I caught it in time.  It was a large chunk, about a quarter, of my wisdom tooth.  So, not as wise as I thought I was, boasting about how calmly I had dealt with everything, everywhere etc.

I rang the dentist at exactly eight o clock, which is not difficult when you’ve been awake since five and up at seven.  I was able to describe the problem clearly because this was before my tongue and cheek had swollen to fill the razor sharp gap.  The first available emergency appointment is Monday morning but they will ring me if someone forgets to go today, unlikely, I think, as pain is quite a memory stimulant, I find.

I will either lose weight because I can’t eat or gain it because I’m living on chocolate.  I have quite lot of chocolate in the house to put out with the library, which I can do when the weather gets cold enough.  In the summer people pointedly put melted chocolate bars on top of the books, or knock on the door to give me a soggy handful.  However right now the needs of the one…

The Romans did have dentists and toothbrushes made from frayed sticks but they didn’t have as much sugar as we have.  Their dental skills lapsed with the decline of the Roman Empire and by the time we get to Elizabethans, cane sugar, honey, syllabub and trifle, suddenly everyone was a fan of fans to hide your black teeth.  Queen Elizabeth the First had famously awful teeth, which is why she is always close-mouthed in portraits and in later ones you can see her face collapsing as she loses teeth.

In South Shields, where I grew up, people awaited the arrival of the black man.  He came to the town once or twice a year and was known for his strong fingers with which he could pull out bad teeth.  He would set up in the market with a wooden chair and quickly attracted a line of patients.  This continued from Victorian times, presumably with several black men, rather than one hundred year old one, until after the Second World War.  I had an uncle who was a dentist, trained in the army.  He had one of those very Forties-looking painted wood dental cabinets in cream with metal handles.  He used to put down the cigarette while he mixed up the amalgam but have a quick draw before he popped it on the tooth.  So I associate dentistry with ashtrays but still smoked as a teenager.  To be fair, rebelling but somewhat repelled, it took a while to get to cigarettes, at first I smoked a pipe with herbal tobacco on the bus, upstairs on the way home from school.  I think I was hoping it would make me thin and sophisticated, which just goes to show you how stupid some teenagers can be.

This, of course, is why you get fatter as you get older.  Evolution assumes you’ll be living on gruel, unhelpful to the tribe as you cannot soften the leather for clothing by chewing it, and therefore, although you get a menopause to help you raise the grandchildren, it makes you fat at the same time, so you can live off your gigantic stomach while chasing children running away from dinosaurs.

I would write a letter to evolution to bring it up to date but it already decided not to bother with my third set of teeth, which is why I have a massive, now broken, partially erupted, wisdom tooth.

In another million years we’ll all have evolved to live off car fumes and be seven feet tall and quite spindly, which, as Earth survivors living in a bubble on Mars will all be a bit pointless. 

Progress in modern life is like the egg and spoon race at school, in that it never really catches up with itself, so that you just know that winners, like the incoming American administration, have had their finger on the egg, all along.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted in About artists. | Tagged | Leave a comment